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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Better after Bitter.

Today I am bitter. Why? Why I ask myself. Maybe it's the somber music I play endlessly on the webernet. Maybe it's withdrawals from the magnificent recent vacay I had myself with friends new and old. I walk into the box that is my apartment- ridiculed by dog hair and dirty dishes, just waiting for me to attack. Instead I sigh, huff, and puff, stomp around a bit, take a break from the woe is me briefly for a quick tickle session with my daughter, then back to the low lying tunes once the box falls quiet and the dwellers have all gone to rest the day away. But not me. I'm wide awake, trying to figure out where to strategically place words on a blank screen in order to find some release. 

WHY? Is it the continuous thoughts that the little money we do have, which we've somehow managed to get by on, is simply not enough? How can one even fathom the thought when all basic needs are met? I don't know, but I do. I feel stuck in a place of just getting by. 

I'm constantly twisted, contorted, into this crazy ball of stress. Anxiety has been looming it's ugly head over me more frequently lately. What on earth? I would like so much to take my hands and grasp tightly around the fine threads at the end of this control rope. I'm trying desperately to keep it all together. My mind wonders into the what ifs, and what should have beens all too often. I find myself plugging numbers into the most random of equations and often fall asleep doing the math that makes no sense for me to even question at all. What is all of this? Hey, at least I'm sleeping. I'm so run down at the end of the day that it's all I look forward to once I hit the sack. 

I think it's time for me to take a leap. Find the things that make me really happy. The things I use to do when I pictured my life differently. I was all too young to really realize what it was all worth. I wanted a life full of partnership, marriage, and possibly a baby. But I wasn't ever close to obtaining such bliss. So instead I found things that help me pass the time: writing, singing, working out, and occasionally painting. I think I finally came to grips with the fact that I was one sucky painter. But now that I'm a mom I kind of want to put that energy into other crafts. The writing thing is challenging. Kind of like sex. I have good intentions of following through and think of it on occasions  but in all honesty have become complacent with the not. Again, I don't know why. I think the lives of a married women, with children, all too often revolve around the to do lists and we forget to follow through with the good intentions of taking care of ourselves. Whether it be a massage, getting your nails/hair done, going out and buying a nice outfit for yourself, setting up a night to go out with girlfriends, or finding a nice, quiet corner of a library or coffee shop to pull out the laptop and pound away on the keys to let go of the weekday aggression that comes with the matriarchal role. 

I need to make a pledge to better this side of myself. Otherwise, I'm going to seriously go crazy. I made that resolution to run five 5ks this year. Well, I've done a grand total of ZERO!!! That's ridiculous. I have the opportunity to get three knocked out in the next two months. We'll see how I do. I'm also seriously trying to find an outlet where I can plug my voice into. I really do miss singing. I have no idea whether or not to consider myself of any talent, but I think its important to get back out there and try. So with this blog under my belt, wine free I should add, that leaves me with  the few other personal aims to reach for in the near future. 

1: run my little, okay who am I kidding, plump butt off
2: explore creative outlets. I'm thinking since money is a big life stressor for me right now that singing might actually be the cheaper route. Scrapbooking and paint supplies have often ran up quite the hefty bill. 
3: Continue to get my thoughts out on paper, er, computer. 
4: schedule AT LEAST monthly girl outings-weekends preferred. 

DONE and DONE!!!!! 

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